


Magic of Your Sighs

by taxingme



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Miscommunication, Sexting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 17:43:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10881786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taxingme/pseuds/taxingme
Summary: Matt knows he’s not the only guy to have come out of college a virgin. He’s just pretty sure none of the other guys have been Bruins prospects living in Boston. None of those guys won the Beanpot in OT.





	Magic of Your Sighs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gdgdbaby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gdgdbaby/gifts).



> gdgdbaby, I'm super nervous about writing for you so I hope you enjoy this very much! When I first read your prompts I was so sure I was just going to write a whole story about size difference and praise kink and somehow I ended up going with secret virgin. I've never even thought about writing something like this before so I hope it works for you and is something close to what you wanted to read. Seriously, I hope I did this justice and thanks for the opportunity to write for you :)
> 
> Title is from 'Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?' - The Shirelles ([x](https://youtu.be/cbxxkwBQk_o)) which is probably my favourite song about losing one's virginity. If you don't know much about these two [this](http://www.csnne.com/sites/csnne/files/styles/article_hero_image/public/2016/07/15/haggs_prospects071516_copy1468616292519_7000k_1920x1080_726103619542.jpg?itok=45x_U61W) is the most important picture in the world and you should think about it as you read. I did a whole bunch of research about these two and quite literally the only thing I remember is the fact that Matt tells every reporter he meets that Charlie has a wide frame. And I have no idea if Matt really does live with Subban but he does here. Also, I'm from the southern hemisphere so sorry if I used any lingo that doesn't make sense - just let me know and I'll be happy to change it :)

It starts off as an accident. Well, no, it starts off with Matt deciding to try one last time and with Charlie being his partner on the ice. They work well together and they’re good on and off the ice. Charlie listens to him, it’s not like the other guys don’t but Charlie is better at it somehow. Or Matt appreciates it more from him because Charlie is his rookie. Matt’s never been the older guy showing the ropes. It’s like being the captain but so much better. Charlie is his responsibility like no one else has ever been before. But the season has to end – not how he wants – and he has to graduate and move on, leaving Charlie behind. 

The goddamn sexting starts as an accident. 

It’s still early in the season, Matt still getting used to the rhythm of Providence. It’s a big change, more than he was expecting. He’s thrown off by the amount of time he gives to hockey and nothing else with no classes to distract him. Intense is the only word he can think of. But it’s still hockey, it’s still his team. He loves it and makes it work, he’s always able to make hockey work. He keeps in touch with all the old boys – sending off texts to where they are all scattered across America. 

He’s not too ashamed to say that Charlie is who he talks to the most. Charlie’s a good guy; he still looks up to Matt which means Matt still has someone to offer advice to. But he’s not actually his captain anymore, so Matt can be a total dickhead around him too – can send him shitty memes and drunken texts that make no sense the next day. Matt likes Charlie, as dumb as it sounds. 

So when Charlie texts _u up_ when Matt should definitely be sleeping he doesn’t think much of it. He shoots back _yeah_ quicker than he’s proud of. There’s nothing wrong with liking Charlie but Matt’s all too aware of how much he likes Charlie. Charlie takes longer reply – long enough for Matt to feel like an over-eager idiot – when another message comes through. It’s a picture and oh. It’s a picture of Charlie’s dick. Matt’s never got a dick pic before but he’s beginning to understand why girls always used to complain and laugh about them in his morning classes. 

It’s kind of weird to look at. Not Charlie’s dick, Charlie has a very pretty dick. But overall it’s not a very good picture. The lighting is shitty and Matt’s distracted because he can see Charlie’s pants around his thighs. Matt’s seen porn, he had Grindr – he knows it’s possible to take nice pictures of your own dick. He wants to be surprised that Charlie’s not good at it but, well, he can’t be good at everything. Mostly, Matt’s too busy being annoyed at his own dick for getting aroused by this. 

_babe u there_

Matt flushes, no one’s ever called him babe before. Not like this. And Matt doesn’t know what to do. Charlie’s never so much as hinted that he likes guys or that he’s interested in Matt. But Matt’s never said anything before either so maybe Charlie’s trying to make this easier. Matt shudders at the idea that his dumb crush is obvious enough that Charlie thinks sending a fucking dick pic is the only way to handle it. Matt curses his inexperience with this shit, having at least some idea of how this works would make everything so much easier. 

With shaking fingers, he sends back _Thinking about you_ , hoping that it’s something close to what people say. To what Charlie wants to see right now. Matt pushes his sweats down, unconsciously mirroring the picture Charlie sent, as he waits. He’s half-hard under his cotton briefs so pushes them down too. He wraps his hand around his dicks and begins stroking himself. His hands shake and he considers sending his own picture back. He knows he could do better than Charlie but he decides against it. His fingers are shaking too much right now anyway. 

_bout suckin my dick?_

His grip tightens around his dick as a reflex. He imagines it for all of two seconds – what a dick, Charlie’s dick, would feel like in his mouth. He gasps into the empty room and sends _Fuck yeah_. Of course he wants that he thinks as he thrusts his hips up. He’s never done it before and the idea of doing that for Charlie is shit, _Want that so bad_ , he sends before Charlie has a chance to reply. He’s so hard and so into this and already so close to coming. His hand speeds up, using the building pre-come to make everything faster, better. 

His phone beeps and Matt reads _yeah u look so hot doing it_ , and he’s fucking done. He comes all over his stomach in hot spurts, thinking about Charlie. Thinking about Charlie imagining Matt sucking his dick. He comes down with quick, harsh breaths and reaches over to his bedside table to get tissues and wipe up the mess. He throws them in the general direction of the bin, not caring if he misses because he’s sleepy from the orgasm. He unlocks his phone to read the three messages he got from Charlie while he was cleaning up. 

The first one he sees is a picture that makes Matt flush more than he was before; it’s Charlie’s ridiculous abs covered in his own come (the picture itself isn’t much better than the original but it still makes Matt’s dick twitch weakly against his leg). The one before that is _gonna cum_ , which Matt resents even having to read. What is the point of that, Charlie? Even if Matt hadn’t already come what was he meant to do with that? Maybe Charlie thought it would push Matt over the edge. 

Or someone who is not Matt because the message above it reads _wanna cum on ur face again_

Matt’s face burns so much he can feel the heat radiating off it. He’s never been more embarrassed in his life. Of course Charlie hadn’t meant to message him. Matt’s so dumb. How could he think, even for a second, that hot-shot Charlie McAvoy would be interested in him? Plain old Matt who hasn’t even managed to have sex yet, fuck. Matt wants to blame Charlie for this, how could he not even realise? And, oh fuck, Matt remembers now. 

He was speaking to Jakob earlier in the week – catching up with him about his season – and he said they’d been running the phone prank again. They do it every year, or at least since Matt arrived, you get into a guy’s phone and you switch around his contacts. Waiting for them to do something dumb that everyone can rag on them for. Matt guesses sexting your old captain would be something dumb. Except Matt is a fucking idiot and had to ruin it all by having a dumb crush. He’s pissed at himself and the dumb prank – what the fuck does he do now? He decides to man up and get this over with as soon as he can. 

“’lo?”

Charlie sounds asleep and it’s clear that Matt woke him up. Matt remembers how he sounds from long bus rides last year. It was only sometimes, most of the time he would stay up and do homework or talk about the game, but sometimes he would fall asleep. Not used to college and hockey at the start. Matt never watched him sleep, he was never that hung up on him but he used to love waking him up. He remembers how crazy his hair would get, soft curls flying in all directions, remembers how his voice would start in the bottom of his chest, deep and throaty like it never was anywhere else. Matt likes a sleepy Charlie. 

“I need to talk to you. It’s important.”

“The fuck, man? It’s like three in the morning, I have class tomorrow.”

He sounds more awake but still not all the way there and God, this is all so familiar to Matt. Matt did this song and dance with him every single time Charlie would list into his shoulder, asleep before he could even fight the tiredness. This is the first version of Charlie he ever wanted to kiss. 

“I’m sorry. I fucked up. Shit, this is,” Matt stumbles over the words. He doesn’t know how to say this. Not without sounding creepy or pathetic. He breathes in through his nose and waits for Charlie to say something. He never does, either too sleepy or too annoyed to bother. Matt wants to thank him as much as he wants to strangle him. Fuck it, he thinks – he can do this. “The guys fucked with your phone. Whoever you – thought you were messaging. You weren’t. It was, uh fuck, it was me. Not, whoever. Sorry.”

Charlie coughs or chokes or something, makes a noise that Matt can’t interpret. Does he hate Matt now? Is he disgusted? Matt hates this. Charlie is silent otherwise and Matt squirms. He doesn’t want to say anything else, doesn’t want to make it worse than it already is. He’s going to die if Charlie makes him repeat any of it again. Matt doesn’t think he’ll ever be this embarrassed ever again. 

“Let me – I sent you a dick pic. And you thought it was actually for you? Why?”

And Matt was wrong. He can get much more embarrassed. His face gets impossibly hotter and Matt doesn’t want to say it but he knows he has to. He flops back onto his bed, as dramatic as he knows how because he might as well indulge himself. Charlie’s never going to speak to him again either way. 

“I wanted, um, I wanted you to. To feel the same?”

“Huh.”

Charlie sounds, curious. Not disgusted or weirded out or anything else that Matt has been expecting. Matt’s so pathetic, he still can’t believe he did this to himself. Idiot. He shuffles further down his bed, clenching and unclenching his fist as he waits for Charlie to say something else. As he waits he flips through all his interactions with Charlie like he’s done a thousand times before – analysing every single smile, affectionate punch and mentor chat for anything. Something. Matt wants something, just this once, to work out in his favour. 

“Okay, well, it’s too early. Too late, for this shit. Future reference – call in the morning, bro. Could have waited, not that serious. ‘m gonna go to sleep now but. Talk tomorrow, bro.”

Charlie hangs up and Matt groans in frustration, slamming his phone down into his mattress. It’s not as satisfying as he wants it to be, there’s a useless thump before it bounces once across the bed. What the fuck does that even mean? Matt curses his stupidity and curses Charlie’s everything. It’s all Charlie’s fault anyway. If he wasn’t who he is they wouldn’t even be here. How is he ever going to sleep again? 

***

Matt hardly sleeps, spends the whole night tossing and turning. Worrying about what Charlie is going to say. Matt knows he’s fucked it, everything, up – it’s just a matter of how bad it is. Their futures are tied together for the foreseeable future. Matt’s confident with where he stands with the Bruins right now and he knows there is no way they are going to give up Charlie. Matt’s such an idiot. What if Charlie doesn’t want to speak to him ever again?

He gives up on getting any more sleep earlier than he normally would. He grumbles his way through his morning routine, trying to think about anything besides Charlie and what he’s going to say. If he even bothers to call, he might decide it – Matt – is not worth it and never call again. Matt glares at his phone as he eats, if he didn’t have a phone nothing would have happened. If he didn’t have a phone, he’d be enjoying a perfectly normal breakfast right now. Then again, if he didn’t have a phone he wouldn’t be able to talk to Charlie at all. 

Matt knows that talking to Charlie is sometimes the best thing about his day. Charlie’s nice and funny and he always knows how to make Matt smile. And it’s a stupid smile, big and goofy and _dumb_. He never knew about it until the summer, Jimmy and the other guys chirping him about it non-stop whenever Matt’s phone went off. Matt hopes with his whole heart that he never did it in front of Charlie. It doesn’t even matter now, Charlie hates him and will never speak to him again anyway. 

Matt took extra care to make sure it didn’t pop up during dev camp. The crush was embarrassing enough without Charlie seeing that dumb smile on his face. Jimmy called it Matt’s ‘summer love’ smile – even came up with a whole story about how Matt is dating a hideous ogre and is simply too embarrassed to introduce her to anyone. Matt still wants to kill him for that, fucking idiot. Matt pushes his plate away, resting his elbows on the edge of the table before dropping his head into his hands. He is such an idiot about Charlie, even now when they hardly get to speak and haven’t hung out together in ages. Matt cringes and distracts himself from his thoughts by rubbing at his eyes until colours spring up in the darkness. 

He’s so wrapped up in his thoughts and the swirling colours that it takes him a moment to realise his phone is ringing. It’s Charlie because of course it is. Matt’s never felt so underprepared for a conversation in his whole life. Matt blinks at it for a few seconds, thinking about what to do, when it rings out right in front of him. _(1) Missed Call: Charlie_ popping up as a notification as soon as it finishes. Fuck it, Matt thinks – he can do this. 

“Time to man up, Grzelcyk.”

He pops his plate in the sink before he heads back to his room. Malcolm will tear him a new one if he sees dishes being left lying around. His phone goes off as he treks to his doom, a message that he doesn’t even bother to look at. Either it’s Charlie, who he’s going to call back right now, or it’s someone who has to wait. Matt’s not chickening out of this now. Matt swipes to call once he’s settled on his bed, fidgets with a lighter on his desk as he waits for Charlie to pick up. 

“Matt, hey. Didn’t think I’d hear from ya.” Matt opens his mouth to answer, not even sure what he wants to say but Charlie starts speaking again almost straight away. “So, hey, about last night. I’ve thought about it and it’s cool.”

“It’s. Cool?”

Charlie makes an agreeing noise like that somehow clears everything up. Like ‘it’s cool’ and a happy noise make everything all good again. Like Matt isn’t going to want, need, more than a simple ‘it’s cool.’

“What the fuck does that even mean?”

“It means what it means. I didn’t take you for such a prude, man. It is cool,” he says enunciating each syllable like he’s talking to an idiot. “I mean, I’ll be honest – I’ve never thought about you know, you, before. But I have now and it seems alright, good, even. Cool.”

“Coo – are you shitting me? Is that what this it? Some weird joke thing, making me look like more of an idiot. Like – ‘oh, look at Matt. He’s got a huge gay crush on me and jerked off to my dick.’ Ha, ha, ha. Real fuckin’ mature, Charlie.”

Matt’s angry. Angrier than he’s been in a long time and all because of Charlie. Charlie who is sometimes the only reason why Matt even wants to smile. Well, fuck him if he’s going to be like this. Matt’s huffing out angry breaths, face hot with embarrassment and anger, as he waits for Charlie to answer. Fuck Charlie. This is a stupid joke and in a few years they’ll be able to laugh about it. Or, at least Charlie will. Matt’s positive he’s never going to recover after this.

“No! I would never. Come on, man, that’s fucked up. You know me better than that.”

Charlie sounds offended. Not in a ‘you ruined my joke’ way, but in a ‘how could you even think that about me?’ way. Matt gets that, can feel his anger receding as quickly as it came. And Matt thinks about it, Charlie is a good guy. A really good guy. He’s proud, of who he is and what he can do but he’s never once been a dick about it. Not like most of the other guys Matt has met through hockey. Matt could never like a guy like that, not seriously. He knows that’s not who Charlie is. 

“So, what,” he starts, hating the vulnerable catch in his voice. He clears his throat before starting again. “So, what, this is some, I dunno, some weird trial gay thing. You know I’m, into you or whatever, but I can’t actually touch you so it’s okay? I don’t get it, you’re not gay.”

Matt lets Charlie think it over, he’s derailed this conversation enough. He doesn’t want to make Charlie feel worse. Maybe he’s having a gay freak out? Matt especially doesn’t want to make him feel worse if he’s having a gay freak out. Matt never had one – he wanted to marry Ricky Martin when he was five years old and never looked back – but he can imagine what it feels like. It’s probably something close to what Matt feels about sex and relationships and actually coming out to people. Matt especially does not want to come out to other hockey guys, he’s never even let the two things intersect before. Except for the crush he had on Jimmy the summer he grew five inches. Matt’s too embarrassed to even admit to himself that happened most of the time, let alone other people.

“No, that’s not. I mean, I wouldn’t say gay. But you know what the NTDP is like. Just never thought about you and me before. But I did now and yeah, I don’t see why not. It’ll be fun and if it sucks or whatever, we can stop.”

Matt chokes on his spit. No, he does not know what the NTDP is like, he doesn’t know what anything is like. He has no idea what Charlie even wants to try now. He can’t seriously want whatever it is he’s offering. Relationship? Fuckbuddies? Long distance, either way? Matt’s so goddamn confused. 

“What, uh, what do you want then?” 

“Honestly? I want you to get you cock out for me,” Charlie says, zero to sixty in one sentence. Confident and low and _hot_. Holy fuck, Matt was not expecting anything close to that, not straight away at least. He squeaks. _Squeaks_. Embarrassingly loud and high and the complete opposite of how Charlie sounded. 

“Oh, shit. Sorry – do you not, want?”

“Yes!” Matt blurts out, over excited and unsure. Ready for whatever Charlie wants to give him. It doesn’t matter that Matt’s never done this, or anything like this, before. He can do this. Matt grins, confident despite his nerves and he can hear it in Charlie’s voice when he speaks again. 

“Cool. So – what are you wearing?”

***

It keeps happening. Not all the time, only when Charlie wants to. Matt’s not confident enough to initiate. Even when they’re doing it – phone sex, sexting, dating, Matt’s still not sure – Matt follows Charlie. Matt only ever sends pictures if Charlie asks to see, he only ever says what he thinks what Charlie wants to hear. He never tries to push conversations – he learns very quickly when they’re having a friends conversation and when they’re having a fuckbuddies conversation. He never goes off script, never tries anything that there’s a chance that Charlie won’t like. Matt wants this to work so bad, wants Charlie to actually like him. Wants Charlie to want more than sexting every few days. Matt _wants_. 

He takes to staying up too late, waiting and waiting for anything from Charlie. Most nights he doesn’t get anything, all he has is dark eyes and regrets when his alarm goes off the next morning. Sometimes though it’ll be a simple _u up_ like the first time that shouldn’t be as effective as it is. Matt hates that three letters and poor grammar is enough to get a rise out of his dick. He doesn’t hate it enough to stop or to ask for me. This is enough, he can live with this. 

Charlie ends up being the one constant in his year. Even when he’s unsure about their, status or whatever, he can still rely on Charlie being there. On Charlie being a good friend, always able to make Matt smile and laugh. For the first time in a long time, four years he supposes, hockey is different. Harder and faster. BU was his life but it never felt like his future, never felt like he was preparing for life in the NHL. 

In Providence, he can’t pretend it isn’t his life. That this isn’t what he signed on for in the summer. 

The games are more intense. He has to be more conscious of his decisions on the ice. He’s never been able to forget how small he is by hockey standards – especially playing with Charlie last year. But now, he’s more aware of it, of the effort it takes to produce and be seen. He loves every second of it but it’s so much _more_. The pressure of knowing he’ll be playing with the real Bruins all the time – not a two-game stint that’s over before it even starts – is too much sometimes. Sometimes he doesn’t want to deal with it, doesn’t even want to think about it. He just wants to be a regular 22-year-old guy.

This thing with Charlie, whatever it is, helps. Despite the fact that he’s terrified of fucking it up in a million different ways, it’s still easy. Charlie’s a good guy, everyone likes him. Everyone wants to know him and be around him. He’s one of those guys that you always want to be around. Matt knows he’s not the only one to have wanted more from Charlie. He has a way of making you feel special, like you’re the only one in the room no matter what. Matt gets sucked in every single damn time.

It’s not even about sex at this point. Matt knows if he really wanted to, he could go find someone to fuck. He’s not enough of anybody to worry about being outed. He knows he could slip away from the guys if they were all out drinking, could make his way to the bar with the rainbow flag in the corner, and get it over with. He just, doesn’t want to. He wants, well, he wants Charlie. He wants Charlie to be the one to take him apart for the first time, wants Charlie to be the only one for a long time to do it. Matt wants to go back to BU and share coffees at his favourite place on campus, he wants to take Charlie home to his mum so they can meet properly, he wants to tell his friends that he has a boyfriend. He wants to not be alone. 

He wants to be able to tell Charlie that. 

***

The season trudges on, more wins than losses and no other call up from Boston. Matt watches the box scores of BU games – cheers when they win and especially when Charlie puts up a point. He loses his shit at the WJC game, they don’t have a game that night so they all get together and watch it. Friendly bets are placed and Matt wins more money than he loses. He sends Charlie a string of emojis to say he how happy he is, how proud he is. They’re friends before they’re fuckbuddies. Matt’s allowed to be proud of Charlie, even if he has to tamp it down in front of the guys. 

Matt knows how to be Charlie’s friend; knows how to talk hockey with him, how to chirp him and how to give him advice about classes. He knows how to respond when Charlie sends him a drunken smash of letters after the game. Matt smiles his stupid, dumb Charlie smile at the phone before replying _Take it easy, big guy_. Charlie sends back the kissy-face emoji and Matt hates the dumb blush that spreads across his cheeks. He needs to get a handle on this. Phone sex has ruined their whole dynamic. Matt knows how to be Charlie’s friend but he doesn’t know how to be this, whatever the hell they’re doing right now. Matt knows people fuck all the time without it meaning anything, he knows that friends with benefits exist. Hell, he had a Grindr for all of five minutes before it freaked him out. Matt’s not so sure he’s one for casual sex. 

He needs an expert. He ducks out of the room where all the guys are chirping and jeering about the game. The phone rings for a few seconds before – 

“Yo, Gryz! U-S-A, U-S-A. Woo,” Jimmy screams down the line. 

Matt pulls the phone away from his ear. Jimmy’s fucking loud at the best of times, yelling down a phone he’s louder than anyone needs to be. He can still hear Jimmy screaming away from where he’s holding the phone, maybe know wasn’t the best time to call. Fuck it, he’s gone this far he might as well do it. 

“USA all the way, babe. But, hey. You busy? I actually called to talk about something else.”

“Boo, you suck, Matty. But sure thing – gimme a second.”

Matt waits patiently, listening to the background noise of wherever Jimmy is. He can hear snatches of conversations and assumes that the Rangers are doing something like what Matt and his guys are doing. After a minute or two, Matt hears a door shut and Jimmy plop himself down on a bed or chair. They shoot the shit for a bit, talking about the game and catching up in general. It’s hard to keep in touch during the season, especially now that Jimmy is up with the Rangers full time. Playing in MSG with Henrik fucking Lundqvist. Matt’s more jealous than he wants to admit but he’ll make it one day. He knows he will. 

Matt lets Jimmy lead the conversation, too chicken to bring up what he actually wants to talk about. He’s not – well, he is – but he’s not that embarrassed about being a virgin. He knows it’s not that big of a deal, he’ll have sex and that’s that. But it’s one thing to live with it and another thing to tell someone about it. He’s always pretended to be modest about his so-called sex life, smug smiles and arrogant shrugs when guys ask about the girl he was making out with the night before. Jimmy’s one of the only guys that Matt’s actively come out too – an awkward and embarrassing conversation that was half ‘don’t hit on me, bro’ and half ‘I’ll always love you no matter what, bro’ – and he still never told him about the virgin thing. Why did he pick Jimmy for this conversation? 

“Oh, shit. I’ve been talking for ages, man. Why didn’t you shut me up, huh? What’d ya even call for anyway?”

“I need, ah shit, this is embarrassing.” He scrubs his face with his hand. Moment of truth. Matt swallows, he can do this. “I need help with a. Someone. A guy.”

“Oooh, relationship advice. I feel so honoured you would come to me, What a fuckin’ honour, man.” Matt rolls his eyes at Jimmy’s gleeful tone. He knew this would come back to bit him in the ass. “Tell me your problems, sweet summer child. I know all the answers.”

“Fuck off, Jimmy. Jesus, you’re such a fuckin’ pain. Why did I think this was a good idea? Fuck.”

“You fuck off. Just tell me about whatever has your panties in a twist.”

Matt can hear the eye roll in Jimmy’s voice. The power of knowing someone your whole life, he guesses. He hates when Jimmy makes fun of him. It’s embarrassing that this shit talking even gets to him. He pinches the bridge of his nose before exhaling a puff of breath. He can do this. 

“So, I’ve been talking to this friend from BU. And, um, we sort of started having phone sex?” He stutters over it – the word ‘virgin’ flashing through his mind in big, neon letters. Jimmy snorts and Matt prays it’s not because of the way his voice just rose an entire octave. “But, we haven’t actually talked about it. And now we’re still talking like friends and also yeah, phone sex. I don’t know what it all means.”

“Well, I’ll speak slow so you get this but you should definitely just talk to her,” Jimmy says, voice dripping with sarcasm before he hastily tacks on: “Him. Sorry.”

“Fuck you, I know I can do that. Just… what if he doesn’t feel the same?” Matt asks, annoyed at the vulnerable edge in his voice. If he can hear it so can Jimmy. Matt doesn’t want this kind of talk, he wants a bro chat. Jimmy’s not the most emotionally sensitive guy in the world. He talks shit one hundred per cent of the time and laughs at everyone and everything. Like most guys Matt’s grown up with and played with. None of them are exactly known for their ability to have a heart to heart. 

“Matt. If this guy is taking time out of his day to jerk off to your ugly ass dick, then he at least feels a little something for you. And they’re your friend, yeah? He won’t be a complete dick about it and if he is – fuck him! You’re a fucking Bruin man, you can get your dick wet anywhere.”

Matt lets out an inelegant snort. Trust Jimmy to say it like that. 

“I’m serious!” Jimmy squawks. “I don’t care if it sounds dumb or stupid. If you like this guy, go for it. For real, don’t pussy out on me.”

“Alright, okay. I get it. I have to. Talk to him,” Matt says. Matt’s serious about Charlie and that means he needs to be able to talk to him. About everything, not just this. 

“My man! Now, fuck off. Go shove the win in all the Canadians’ faces. U-S-A, bitch!” Jimmy yells before hanging up. Matt curses him even though he’s gone. That shit annoys him and Jimmy knows it. Fucker. Matt can hear the guys in the other room, still yelling about the game probably. Matt stays in the room he’s in, thinking about what Jimmy said. Matt thunks his head against the headboard, he knows what he has to do. No ifs, ands or buts about it: Matt needs to man the fuck up and talk to Charlie for real. 

***

Matt does not man the fuck up. Matt puts it off and puts it off and puts it off. The season only ramps up after the WJC game. They’re heading for playoffs and (hopefully) so are the Bruins so they all need to be ready in case they get called up. Matt’s sure he won’t but there’s always a chance. Any of them could get injured, not that Matt wants that, but he needs to be ready. Just in case. 

So, he trains and he shovels food to try and maintain weight. He plays hard and they keep winning. It feels good and he’s finally starting to feel at home now. He belongs here, he can help this team win. So he puts his head down and he works. He’s tired all the time. At this point in the season he’s not even sure he’s capable of being anything besides tired. 

He talks to his mum when he can. Their phone calls mostly consist of her talking his hear off and Matt mumbling ‘uh-huh’ when he thinks it’s appropriate. It’s hard to care about his great aunt’s dog who has ticks. Or something. Matt honestly has no idea and he doesn’t really care right now. He can’t afford to care about anything besides hockey right now. He’s sure Aunt Mildred won’t care if he doesn’t know the full details. 

Matt tries harder to keep up with Charlie. He wants to know about his classes and his season and yeah, he likes the whole regular orgasm thing they’ve got going on. Even if Matt is too chicken to talk about his feelings he still wants this. He still likes talking to Charlie, still wants more from him than he’s getting right now. Charlie seems to be leaning on him more now too. Calling more for advice but also just to talk. They’re texting all the time and Matt knows the dumb smile is in full force. Matt’s pathetic. 

The college season is over quicker than Matt realises. It feels like BU makes the finals and they’re out in two minutes. Matt doesn’t have time to watch the last game and he’s glad after that he didn’t have to watch. It always sucks watching your team lose and even though Matt is comfortable now in Providence. The Terriers will always be his team. He sends off messages to all the guys, not caring if they answer or not. Matt’s been on the receiving end of these kinds of messages – they fucking suck. There’s no good way to answer them. 

When his phone goes off he expects it to be his mum. She knows how much the Terriers mean to him. But it’s Charlie. It’s a simple message, just says _sucks :(_ but it’s something. It makes Matt smile, soft and fond and even more pathetic than his usual Charlie smile. Charlie’s a good player and he’s going to be a great one, he deserves to win. He’s one of those guys you play with and you want to win with. Matt’s not sure if Charlie’s made up his mind but there’s a chance this will be his last go at it. Not everyone wants to stay as long as Matt did.

He deliberates about what to send for a moment, starting five different messages before deleting them without sending them. He decides on sending the kissing emoji because it’s easier. Easier for him and easier for Charlie. Even though Charlie reached out, this must still suck for him. There’s nothing Matt can say that will make him feel better either way. Losing is always going to suck and sometimes you have to wallow in it. He’ll get over it soon enough. 

Charlie send back a few love hearts, seemingly obvious but still no real indication of how he feels. Lots of guys get sentimental after a loss, needing affection and attention more than anything else. He leaves it for now, it’s not like he can talk to Charlie now. He has to let Charlie get over this before even thinking about talking about the whole dating and feelings thing. Matt has no idea what he even wants to say still – he can’t spring that on Charlie now. 

So he leaves it, and he leaves Charlie alone. They don’t talk for a few days and it’s fine, it’s all normal. They’re pushing to clinch, fighting and fighting to get there. They’re all so close and coach is pushing them to do more. To get the last few points that the need so they can do it. So he doesn’t talk to Charlie and Charlie doesn’t talk to him. It’s fine and Matt’s not freaking out about it. He’s not. Charlie hates losing and sometimes he gets caught up in it, it’s part of what makes him such a good guy to play with. 

But then Matt’s phone blows up and he can’t ignore any of it anymore. Charlie just signed with the Providence Bruins and there’s nothing Matt can do to stop it. 

***

It’s awkward when Charlie first comes up. They’re awkward, Matt’s awkward. Apparently, after months of essentially being in a long distance relationship, it fucks with your actual friendship when you are together. Charlie seems to be fine, eager to hang out but Matt has no idea what to do with his hands. He takes to holding them at his side like a goon. Subby notices and the next day his stall is covered in Arthur memes and a mustard-yellow sweater instead of a jersey. They all laugh like it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever seen and Matt has to fight the urge to join them. Matt flips them off and glances at Charlie out of the corner of his eye. They share a smile and it’s the closest thing to normal since he’s arrived. 

Matt’s voice breaks when they’re alone, cracking octaves he hasn’t heard since long before puberty. Matt can’t believe he was worried about a damn smile giving him away. Charlie keeps shooting him these looks, questioning his weirdness without saying anything. He can’t imagine being alone with Charlie. He’s not sure how to explain any of this so he just, doesn’t. He ignores him for the first few days. Steering clear except on the bench when they can talk hockey. Otherwise he’s nowhere near where Charlie is – ducking out of rooms whenever Charlie comes in and pretending he can’t hear when Charlie calls out to him. Matt shouldn’t have left this so long, he’s such an idiot. 

“Matt, hey,” he’s walking out of the locker room after practice when he hears it. He pulls his headphones out of his hears and turns around to see a bigger body coming up behind him, boxing him in against the wall. He knows it’s Charlie without even bothering to look at his face. He flinches in the small space between them when Charlie reaches out. But he doesn’t touch Matt, his hand brushes against Matt’s hip as he reaches for the wall. Or no, the door. His body jolts, falling into the space as the door opens behind him. Charlie grabs at his arms, steadying him on his feet before forcing him back into the room. He doesn’t let up, keeps a tight grip on Matt’s arms as he gets them both in the room with the door shut behind them. 

“You’ve been avoiding me, man.”

Matt lets out an undignified squeak. A squeak. He’s a grown man and he just squeaked because another guy is touching his arms. Matt’s eyes keep flicking between the point of contact and Charlie’s face, unsure which he wants to concentrate on more. His face is annoyed or upset, some combination of the both. His hand is huge wrapped around Matt’s biceps. Matt knows he’s small but he puts on muscle well, there’s no way Charlie’s fingers should be able to wrap around his whole arm, yet, here they are. It’s annoying how attractive it is. 

Matt hates that he doesn’t know how to be Charlie’s friend anymore. This all used to be so simple when it was a simple, dumb crush. Now there’s lots more feelings involved and Matt’s seen Charlie’s dick more times than he count. Matt has no idea how to be casual about this, about Charlie. He has no idea how to even bring this up and that’s why they’re in this position right now. Not for the first time, he questions what the fuck he was thinking when they started this. 

“Sorry,” Matt says. It’s not enough, but it’s a start. He falls silent again afterwards though, still not sure what to say. He’s been following Charlie’s lead for way too long now. 

“No, it’s,” Charlie sounds frustrated and fed up. Matt’s not sure if it’s the situation or him specifically. He hopes it’s not him. Charlie huffs out a breath between them. “I don’t get you. We’ve been doing this, thing” – accompanied by an eye roll as if it’s a dumb thing to call it – “for months, and now that we’re actually together you won’t come near me. Did you like, change your mind?”

“No!” Matt interrupts before Charlie can say anything else. For all his insecurities Matt hasn’t changed his mind.

“So what is it then?”

“I just don’t know where we stand, I guess,” he settles on. He shuffles his feet, fingers twitching by his side as he waits for Charlie to answer. Charlie called it a thing but Matt’s not sure what that means still. He’s being calling it a thing this whole time too. They never talked about this, they’re so dumb. Matt never asked because he never wanted Charlie to say it was casual, because Matt wouldn’t have been able to handle that. Matt wants and has wanted Charlie for a long time. Matt doesn’t want Charlie to say no to him. 

“Well,” Charlie starts. “I thought we were dating.”

“What,” Matt manages to wheeze out. What the fuck? Charlie looks nervous, almost as unsure as Matt feels. 

“I dunno. I mean, I know we never talked about it. But I haven’t been with anyone else since we started. And you said, way back when, that you were really into me. So I, yeah. Dating.”

Charlie sounds less nervous. Almost indignant, like it’s Matt’s fault that they’re not on the same page. Which, well, in hindsight it could be his fault. He remembers when they first started this, when he thought it was a shitty joke, he asked if Charlie was laughing at his big gay crush or something. He remembers saying he wanted Charlie to feel the same. Matt cannot believe this. He spent months agonising over this, over what this all meant and he didn’t even need to. Matt’s embarrassment rises as he stands there thinking about it all. Charlie’s still holding him and Matt’s face is on fire. His ridiculous flush spreading the longer he thinks about it. 

“I’m an idiot,” he says, frank and to the point. “I didn’t think you felt the same. This whole time I thought we were just sexting or whatever. But I wanted, I wanted so much more. I didn’t want you to say no to me.”

His words feel clumsy and heavy in his mouth, taking up space like they never have before. Matt can’t remember the last time he was so embarrassed to say something. He’s never done anything like this before – never confessed his feelings or anything like this. It’s embarrassing but also, freeing. A heavy weight lifted off his shoulders because Charlie knows now. No matter what happens, Charlie knows because Matt told him.

“Of course I want to. Matt, you’re so,” Charlie pauses. He looks unsure, even worse than he did before. He moves his hands up Matt’s arms, lets his fingers trail over Matt’s shoulder and up his neck until his hands are framing Matt’s face. His thumb brushes against Matt’s lip and his tongue darts out on instinct. Charlie’s throat works and he looks stunned, like he can’t believe this is real. Matt closes his eyes. There’s so much heat in this room. He’s hot and there’s a heady feeling in the air. Matt’s never wanted to kiss someone so much in his life. 

His eyes flutter open long enough to see Charlie lean in, slow enough to telegraph what he wants to do. When their lips collide – and it is a collision, messy and ugly like all first kisses – Matt’s eyes slide back shut and another embarrassing noise makes its way out. Once they sort themselves out, lining up so they can kiss properly, it turns hot and intense. Sexual in a way that Matt’s never experience before. It’s intoxicating. Charlie drops one hand to Matt’s hip, gripping tight and rucking up Matt’s shirt in the process. Matt trembles under the pressure, opens his eyes to make sure he doesn’t fall over. He brings his arms up around Charlie’s neck, pulling him in closer. Charlie moans and drags his hand down Matt’s chest, gripping his fingers over Matt’s abs before mirroring his other hand. 

Matt makes a sound too, too caught up in the moment to be embarrassed by it. He pulls back from the kiss to gasp in a loud breath. They pant at one another, sharing a look. Charlie’s face is an open book, full of adoration and love. Matt’ so dumb to have thought even for a second that Charlie would only want sex. God, Matt loves him so much. 

Matt pushes back into the kiss with new vigour, pressing his whole body against Charlie desperately. He wants as much contact between them as possible. Charlie’s too big for Matt to rub his body against him like he wants, and he does want. He stretches up onto his tippy toes and yes, that’s it. Their crotches rub together and even through all the layers it’s good. Charlie must like it too, moving his hands from Matt’s hips to his ass. He grips, hard, and actually lifts Matt up onto his thigh so he can thrust down on it. It’s so hot and Matt can’t help moaning into Charlie’s mouth as they kiss, still riding Charlie’s thigh.

“Fuck, you like that, huh? Me being bigger,” Charlie gasps, wet breaths that feel as good as the kisses. After months of phone sex, dirty talk is definitely a kink of his. Matt loves listening to Charlie talk like this, he never wants him to stop. 

“Yeah, yeah. Fuck, I want you to hold me up against a wall one time. Fuck me like that.”

Charlie grunts, lowering Matt back down to the ground before crowding him into the wall behind them. Matt hits it with a dull thud and not a second later, Charlie’s lips are crashing back against his own. They’re kissing and moaning and Matt’s not sure how – his brain is having trouble thinking about anything else besides ‘hot, wet, lips’ – but Charlie has arranged them so that he’s able to keep the friction up between their hips. It’s electric and so much, more, than anything Matt has ever experienced. Matt never realised how intense sex would be. For the first time in a long time, he has the conscious thought that he’s been missing out on sex. 

“Fuck, fuck we gotta stop,” he manages to pant out. He has no idea how long they’ve been at this but they need to leave. Soon if Charlie doesn’t want Matt to come in his pants. 

Charlie pulls back, grunting out a questioning noise before leaning back in, licking and sucking at Matt’s neck. Matt shudders under the sensation, worried that Charlie’s going to leave a mark. No one’s ever kissed his neck before, he has no idea how much pressure will be enough to leave him with hickies. Matt wants and doesn’t want them, at the same time. It’s too much to think about right now. 

“I’m not getting off here, c’mon. Come back to my place – we can fuck there.”

Matt stumbles over the word ‘fuck’ – they’ve talked about it before, about Charlie fucking Matt but he’s not sure if they’ll do that today. If Charlie will even want to do that once Matt tells him the truth. Charlie makes a noise but, more animal and visceral than anything Matt’s ever heard before. He grinds down into Matt, harder and more intense and Matt thinks ‘yes, we’re going to do it.’ He’s never been so hard in his life. 

“Yeah, okay. Yes. Let’s get the fuck outta here.”

***

Matt’s not sure how they make it back to his place in one piece. The whole drive is a blur of wanting to touch Charlie and knowing he can’t It goes like that until they walk into the apartment. Matt doesn’t trust himself to stop touching once he starts so he waits until the front door is locked behind them. He turns around, hand reaching out to grab Charlie’s wrist and starts leading him down to his room, when he sees Malcolm on the couch playing Xbox. 

“Hey, oh you brought Charlie around. Cool,” he says. Matt jumps slightly, paranoid that somehow Subby knows what they’re doing. Charlie laughs and it is normal, it is but Matt doesn’t want normal. Matt wants to have sex. He doesn’t want to hang out with Malcolm until he decides to kick Charlie out. 

“Uh, yeah. We’re gonna” – he points his thumb in the direction of his room – “catch up. Talk later!”

Malcolm looks put out but waves them on with no complaint. Matt breathes a sigh of relief, he has no idea what excuse he would have come up with if that didn’t work. Matt just wants to be alone with Charlie, as soon as possible. He keeps a hold of Charlie’s wrist as the make their way down the hall. The door shuts behind them and Matt flips the lock. It only ever works half the time but he doesn’t have the patience to check right now. He’s finally going to have sex. He is. 

The room is a general mess and Matt spares a moment to be embarrassed. There are clothes stacked on the desk chair, crap all over the floor and the bed isn’t made. Operation: Avoid Charlie had still been in full effect when he left this morning so he didn’t even think to tidy up. He mumbles out an apology but Charlie says it doesn’t matter. 

Matt shoves a couple of loose items of clothing off the bed before lying down and relaxing into the pillows. Charlie makes an appreciate noise when Matt folds his arms behind his head, fingers interlocking as he rests them under his head. Charlie whips off his shirt in response and it’s Matt’s turn to make an appreciative noise. Charlie looks good like this. He has a big, solid body and Matt wants nothing more than to get his tongue all over it. 

“C’mere,” he says as Charlie says “Take yours off, too.”

They share a quick grin and Matt sits up to take his shirt off while Charlie settles over his legs. Once his shirt is gone Matt settles back how he was. Charlie licks his lips. Between one breath and the next, he’s leaning down and they’re kissing as hot and heavy as they were before. It’s zero to one hundred and Matt’s dick reacts straight away. Pressing up, hard, against the zipper in his jeans. He squirms, trying to get some friction and brushes up against Charlie. Their chests bump together and it’s sensory overload – the kissing and the skin on skin and Matt is still so hard. 

Charlie feels bigger, more solid, more _everything_ , like this and Matt loves it. Loves the feeling of Charlie’s body up against his. Their height difference is non-existent like this but Charlie is still so much bigger than he is. He pushes his crotch up into Charlie’s, seeking the same friction from before. He can feel where Charlie is hard and he hopes Charlie can feel him too. Matt wants this to be good for him too. They’re not doing more than they were before but it’s still so, sexual. Intense. Like nothing Matt has ever experienced before. Matt is going to love sex. 

“What do you wanna do?”

“Anything, everything. Fuck, Charlie. I don’t even know,” he manages to gasp out. Still seeking friction. Charlie laughs, smug and happy and that’s all Matt wants. A happy and satisfied Charlie. “Whatever you want, babe.”

Charlie makes another happy noise and Matt can feel it against his skin. He loves this. Loves feeling Charlie against him. Charlie pulls away but Matt’s too into it to realise and lifts his head to follow him. Charlie chuckles and pecks his lips before leaning away again. Matt pouts; he was enjoying that. In a distant corner of his mind he’s aware enough to think – maybe I’m not good at that? Maybe Charlie wasn’t enjoying it all? Charlie thrusts down against him and Matt can feel that Charlie is enjoying this. He never knew how satisfying that feeling would be, knowing that the other person is into it too. But it is, it’s so fucking sexy. Knowing that Charlie is getting off on this too. 

Charlie presses his lips to Matt’s jaw. Kissing and biting his way from the hinge of it down to his chin. It’s, different then he expected. It tickles but it’s nice. It tickles more as Charlie starts doing it to his neck. His shoulders hunching when Charlie first presses his lips there. 

“Relax,” Charlie mutters against his skin. Matt forces them back down, trying to embrace the feeling of Charlie’s feather light touches. He likes it more when Charlie bites. The sting distracting him from the roughness of Charlie’s stubble. It reminds him of a few months ago, when he jerked off to Charlie talking about marking him up. Making sure that other people knew Matt was taken. In retrospect, it’s pretty dumb that Matt never realised they were dating. Charlie used to say shit like that all the time. He snaps back into reality when Charlie bites down hard on Matt’s collarbone. 

“Pay attention to me. You feel so good under me, want you to feel the same.”

Matt nods, unable to do anything more than moan in response. He wants all of this, everything Charlie wants to give him. Charlie keeps mapping his way down Matt’s chest. Licking over his nipples, the grooves of his abs, even dipping into Matt’s belly button. He flinches at the last one and adds it to a new list: ‘things I never want to experience ever again.’ The rest of it is good though. So much better than when Matt runs his own fingers over his stomach before jerking off. It’s intense and surprising and unique to Charlie. Matt couldn’t recreate this feeling if he had all the time in the world. Matt freezes when he feels Charlie’s hands on his belt. He forces himself to relax while Charlie opens it. His fingers deftly working it open. Charlie doesn’t hesitate. 

“Want to blow you so bad. Wanted it for months now.”

Matt groans and relaxes completely into Charlie’s movements. Lifts his hips so they can both work his jeans down. He sits up to pull his socks off too, awkward like nothing else has been yet. Matt flushes, worrying that he’s ruining it for Charlie. He smiles and mouths at Matt’s shoulder while he waits for him to lay back down. Charlie pulls Matt’s briefs down alone. Matt shivers, cold air hitting his dick. He fights the innate urge to cover his dick with his hands, forgetting that Charlie’s seen it in enough photos by now not to care. 

Charlie doesn’t hesitate before leaning down to lick up Matt’s dick. From root to tip before sucking the head into his mouth. Matt balls his hand up into a first, hitting the bed beside his hip in surprise. This is so much better than he ever imagined. Fuck. Matt loves this. Charlie keeps it up, driving Matt crazy with the wet, hot suction. Then he does, something, with his tongue that makes Matt babble in surprise.

“Holy shit, Charlie. That’s good, you’re so, god, so good.” Matt breaks off with a groan from the bottom of his throat. It feels so fucking good. Charlie makes a noise in response and Matt feels it. He needs to look, wants to see. He wants to be able to picture this for the rest of his life. His first thought, besides _hot_ , is that that Charlie is too big for this. Everyone says it, Matt remembers even saying it. But Charlie is wide, solid in a way Matt never will be. He’s fucking big is the point. 

He takes up space everywhere he goes. But it’s especially obvious right now. He’s crouched over  
Matt, awkward except for how he knows what he's doing - hands on Matt’s hips while his elbows rest on the bed between his legs. Every time he bobs down – fuck, Matt moans – Charlie’s elbows slip. Forcing Matt’s legs further apart. Matt’s too distracted to focus, his thoughts slippery smooth in his head. Like this, Charlie’s back muscles are doing frankly ridiculous things that are doing as much for Matt as the blow job. His fingers are dipping lower. Trailing along the crease of Matt’s groin. Matt images how it would feel if Charlie slipped one down. 

“Fuck,” he gasps. Charlie goes down, far enough for his nose to press against Matt’s stomach. He gaps again when Charlie swallows. Trying and failing to draw enough breath to last. He’s so close. He’s going to come if Charlie doesn’t stop. He slaps at Charlie’s back, not wanting this to be over yet. Charlie makes a questioning noise as he drags himself back up. Matt takes a chance to recover, sucking in as much air as he can with each breath. He’s not going to survive the night. 

“Why’d you stop me, man? I was just getting going.”

Matt shrugs, self-conscious. He’s going to have to say it, fuck. He doesn’t want to say it. But Charlie deserves the truth. Charlie’s definitely expecting a better showing than Matt coming from a blow job. In under two minutes. Fuck – what does he even say?

“I just – it’s been a while. And you’re so good at that, Charlie,” he decides on saying. 

Charlie flushes. A deep, dark red that Matt’s never seen on him before. He loves it straight away, wants to do anything so he can see it again. He can talk about how good Charlie looks all day if he’ll react like that every time. Matt may be a virgin but thanks to Charlie he’s got dirty talk down pat. 

“Yeah, babe. You’re so good, look so good like this.”

Charlie, if possible, ends up an even deeper shade of red. He rocks back from Matt and Matt can see just how far down the flush spreads. His nipples are so tight and so obvious. Matt wants, wants to lick them the same way Charlie did to him before. Matt wants him so much. But as much as he wants Charlie, wants sex. He wants to be honest. Even if Charlie laughs, even if Charlie thinks it’s weird. Matt needs to be honest. 

“C’mere, up, up,” he says. Charlie’s slow to react. Shaking his head as if to clear away some fogginess. Matt might not know much but he thinks he gets it. It’s so hard to think straight with Charlie here. Hard to concentrate on anything else besides the two of them. Charlie hovers over him and Matt lifts his head up for a kiss. It’s chaste, nothing like the ones from earlier. Matt wants so much from Charlie. He wants everything. 

“I’ve never done this. Ever,” he blurts out against Charlie’s lips. Matt pulls back, embarrassed by his outburst. Charlie looks confused. Matt doesn’t blame him; he'd be confused too if someone yelled that at his lips mid-kiss. 

“I’m a virgin,” he mumbles. Charlie still looks confused, scrunching up his face like he didn’t hear what Matt said. Matt flops back down, dragging his forearm over his eyes. He repeats himself, clear and succinct, No more room for misunderstandings. 

“Oh.”

Matt feels like he’s on fire. He must be so red and he can feel sweat pooling all over him. His erection is flagging and he wants to cover up. He doesn’t want Charlie to see him like this. Matt moves his arm, the one that isn’t across his face, down his body to cover himself. He flinches when he makes contact with Charlie, shying away from it like he’s been burned. 

“Hey, stop. It’s fine, I don’t care. Hey, look at me, man.”

Charlie pushes at the arm covering Matt’s face. He lets him, letting it fall onto the pillows. He squints his eyes open, unwilling to look at Charlie for real. He wants to gauge Charlie’s reaction before looking for real. He knows it’s stupid but if he only half-looks and Charlie laughs it won’t matter as much. Somehow he’ll be able to deal with that. But Charlie doesn’t look like he wants to laugh. Or weirded out or disgusted or any of the things Matt imagine. He only looks concerned. 

“Don’t, like, be embarrassed or whatever. It’s fine, I don’t care.”

“Oh.”

It’s all Matt can manage. He honestly and truly thought Charlie would laugh at him. Or be sad for at the very least. His hand is still cupping his dick, which is completely soft, but it’s almost an afterthought. He’s so relieved that Charlie doesn’t think he’s a total freak. A noise escapes his throat and all of a sudden he’s laughing. Charlie blinks in surprise. Then he pushes off, curls into Matt’s side and laughs with him. Matt laughs until he can’t anymore. He feels calm when he’s done, ready to face anything. 

“I’m sorry about all that. And not telling you – it’s just fucking embarrassing.”

Matt hates how he sounds, soft and scared and vulnerable. He feels so silly. He knows that it doesn’t actually matter. Charlie was a virgin once too, not even that long ago. They’ll both have to learn each other’s bodies. Even if Matt had done this before, it would still be new for the two of them together. It’s still embarrassing though. Matt knows he’s not the only guy to have come out of college a virgin. He’s just pretty sure none of the other guys have been Bruins prospects living in Boston. None of those guys won the Beanpot in OT. 

Hell, Charlie even managed to have sex before he got anywhere near college. Charlie smiles at him and oh, there it is. The pity. For all its affection and kindness, it’s pity. It fills him with an instant, visceral hate. Not at Charlie, but at everything. He never wants to see that look again, not on Charlie, not on anyone. 

“Look –“ he starts hotly before Charlie cuts him off.

“You look upset, don’t. I’m serious – it doesn’t matter to me at all. I can get, you know, why you’re embarrassed but I don’t care. It’s, uh, actually kinda hot. That I’ll be the only one.”

Matt flushes hot because that is, that is _hot_. It’s not something Matt has ever thought about before. Matt’s seen porn, he knows that some guys find virgins sexy. But he’s never once thought about himself like that. Never thought Charlie would be into that. It's surprising but not weird. Matt’s dick twitches against his thigh and oh. He still wants this, he wants Charlie to fuck him. 

“You should take your pants off, get naked.”

Charlie lets out a startled laugh, joy obvious on his face as he pushes them down and off. Matt watches him. Watches his body move because it looks good. Years in a locker room have made Matt immune to the innate sexuality of a naked man, but this isn’t like that at all. It’s not clinical. Charlie’s getting undressed for Matt. He wants Matt to look and see and the idea is tantalising. It adds an element that Matt isn’t expecting. 

Seeing his dick, hard, in person is different as well. It’s not like it is in pictures. Or it is but it doesn’t feel the same, has more of an effect on Matt. The more he sees it the more he wants to touch it, to lick it. Charlie is bigger than Matt – obviously – and the idea of that in Matt s daunting more than sexy. Matt still wants to try. Once Charlie's naked, Matt decides to go for it. He can do this.

“Ho-oly shit, Matty,” Charlie says from above him. He sucks at the tip first, getting used to the feel of it. It’s heavy and big and he can smell Charlie. Every little thing is new. It’s all so distracting. After years of fantasising about this it’s gratifying to experience it. To know he actually does like it. Charlie runs his fingers through Matt’s hair. It’s reassuring, a gentle touch that reminds Matt that Charlie is there. He chokes about half-way down, not used to how full his mouth is. He’s obviously not that good. Can tell by the way Charlie isn’t melting into a puddle like Matt did. One day. He pulls off after a while, catching his breath and panting against Charlie’s thigh. 

“I want you to finger me, I want to fuck,” Matt says.

“We don’t have to today. It can wait.”

“I don’t want to be wait. Want you inside of me like we talked about,” Matt says. Charlie gulps in a large breath, nodding eagerly. Matt figures it’s cheating to say that but what the hell. He wants this. And Charlie made it obvious that he likes fucking, the he wants to fuck Matt. 

“Fuck yeah, okay. Um, hands and knees? That’ll be best for you I think,” Charlie says, once he recovers from the shock. Matt's not even sure how he's surprised - they've been having phone sex for months now. 

He clambers off Charlie, thrusting once when his dick rubs against Charlie’s thigh. He gets settled on all fours, shaky and unsure. He’s on display like this self-conscious like he hasn’t been so far. He tells Charlie where the lube and condoms are (the latter of which he bought as soon as he heard Charlie signed). He breathes in an out. Hoping and failing to get some control back. He can let Charlie take control for a while. 

Charlie murmurs soft words of comfort as he gets everything ready. Once he’s positioned back behind Matt, he keeps up a steady commentary. He kisses Matt’s lower back once before Matt hears the click of the lube opening. 

“I’ll go slow but you have to talk to me. Let me know if you want to stop or slow down.”

Matt nods and then Charlie is running one cold, wet finger over Matt’s entrance. Matt’s done this a couple of times to himself – he even sent a picture to Charlie once. Not enough that he’s one hundred per cent with the feeling. It’s still alien and strange. He’s never been able to make it good enough to want it all the time. He knows Charlie’s going to be able to. Slowly, Charlie pushes it in until Matt can feel Charlie’s knuckles against his ass.

“Good?”

“Yeah, yeah. You know I’ve done this before. So you can,” he lifts his hand up and makes a ‘carry on’ gesture.

Charlie chuckles behind him before starting to move his finger in and out. It’s no different to doing it on his own. Charlie’s finger is maybe longer. Not enough to make a real difference. It’s not the earth-shattering experience he’s been expecting. Not so far.

“More,” he demands. 

Charlie pushes in another finger. He’s quick about it and Matt jolts forward. He didn’t expect Charlie to react so fast. Matt thrusts himself back down on them. The glide makes him moan. This is what he’s after. Charlie realises Matt is good without asking and keeps going. Working open with two fingers until he’s asking for more. It feels so much better having someone else do this. Matt has so been missing out. 

Charlie pushes in a third finger and it’s the first time Matt feels, not uncomfortable, but aware that his is a new experience. Charlie must realise it too. So, he goes slow – working Matt back up to where he was. It takes him longer to relax but he does. He gets there. It helps that now Charlie can crook his fingers just right, can rub up against his prostate. Matt can’t help pushing back onto the pressure. It feels so damn good. He must look like an idiot but it’s too good to stop. He never wants this to end. He’s rock hard between his legs. 

“Fuck, fuck. Matt you look, holy shit. Can I – “

Matt doesn’t let Charlie finish the question before he starts nodding as fast as can. Charlie mumbles another quiet “fuck,” before pulling his fingers out. The sensation of that sucks and there’s a rush of cold air that startles Matt. He feels vulnerable again. It makes him want to roll over so he’s less exposed. He fights the urge, knowing it’ll be better when Charlie pushes back in. 

“Okay, just relax. And let me know if you need anything. For real,” Charlie says as he lines himself up. It’s blunt pressure when he first pushes. Matt worries that it won’t fit. It’s so much more than Charlie’s fingers.

“Relax, babe. You’re fine. So, so good.”

Matt breathes out through his noise. Waits for his body to get used to it. Charlie keeps thrusting, slow and shallow. Getting further each time but still waiting for Matt. Matt feels it all over when his body relaxes enough for Charlie to slip all the way in. He feels stretched and open. He remembers the size of Charlie’s dick and blushes. He has that inside him. The thought somehow more embarrassing than the actual thing. It feels alright.

“You can, uh, move. Yeah,” Matt gasps.

Charlie does, still so slow and Matt feels every inch of it. He shakes under the pressure. Unsure if he’s even enjoying this right now. Charlie starts talking as he works himself in and out, over and over. It’s more and it’s different and it’s a lot. Matt’s not sure what he was expecting. But this is more than anything he ever imagined. His brain couldn’t imagine this if it tried. 

Charlie doesn’t stop – he picks up the pace. And Matt is finally starting to like it again. He reaches down for his dick, settling onto his elbows in the process. He huffs out a laugh when he hears Charlie moan behind him, his ass must look amazing right now. Matt’s surprised that he’s not all the way hard anymore. It feels good even though it’s hard to get used to. He likes it, likes the stretch of it all. Likes the way Charlie feels all over him. 

“Fuck, Matt. You look so – shit, I’m gonna come,” Charlie groans. Then he snaps his hips once, twice and freezes with them pressed against Matt’s ass. He grumbles half-heartedly while he waits for Charlie to recover. He wanted to come with Charlie’s dick inside him. He also, kind of rudely he supposes, expected Charlie to last way longer. Matt tugs himself to full hardness while he waits. It doesn’t take too long and Charlie warns him that pulling out can be weird. Matt flinches, hole clenching on nothing. Weird is definitely one word for it. Fucking bad is another that comes to mind. 

Matt keeps jerking off to distract himself from the empty feeling. He hears the condom snap as Charlie pulls it off. He rolls over, settling onto his back once again. Charlie goes to the bin and come back a moment later. He expects a kiss but Charlie surprises him by leaning down to nuzzle at Matt’s balls. 

“Fuck,” he yelps. This is like nothing else they’ve done today. Charlie keeps it up – licking and sucking and it has Matt panting in no time. He keeps stroking his dick and comes with a low groan all over his stomach with Charlie’s face still there. Charlie pulls off and Matt watches him with mild curiosity. He brings back tissues and Matt smiles. His sappy Charlie smile. They curl up under the blankets together. Matt feels, weird. Kind of. He’s not sure. He thought he would feel different after but he feels the same. Everything is still the same. 

“You okay?”

“Mm, yeah. I don’t know. But weird, I guess,” he says. Charlie makes a concerned noise. “Not in a bad way. I don’t really know how to say it. Feels good but, yeah, it was good.”

Charlie kisses his neck – “’m glad. Wanted you to enjoy it. Sorry I went off early.”

“It’s fine, it was all good I promise.”

“Well, we have time to make it great yeah?”

Charlie sounds unsure, a reflection of how Matt felt before having sex. When he was a virgin. Which, huh, he’s not anymore. Matt’s lived with the idea of being weird and different for years and now he’s not. He feels so silly for thinking about it like that. He’s no different in any way that counts now. Except now he’s (hopefully) going to be sleeping with Charlie all the time. 

“All the time in the world, babe.”

**Author's Note:**

> I have a [tumblr](http://pekkaownsthisass.tumblr.com/) which I'll add after author reveals! Hope you enjoyed, comments and kudos would be much appreciated!!!


End file.
